Lunch with Laurie

My eyes open all by themselves. I didn't want to wake up, no alarm had gone off, it was still dark outside, which was only natural considering it was before six on a November morning.

I had no reason to be up, but after years of early starts, I couldn’t sleep a wink after six. I rubbed my eyes, frustrated that long lazy lay-ins, the only benefit of being redundant, were denied me. I rolled over and stretch my hand across the wide expanse of empty bed to check my phone. No messages, not even a, 'Thanks but no thanks,' from any of the dozens of job applications I'd had sent out.

"Face facts, Laurie," I said to myself. "Nobody wants you." I never imagined I'd find myself here, searching for a job at fifty-one years of age. I'm a middle-aged woman now, how the hell did that happen? It was only last week that I was a teenager, heading out into the big bad world, with nothing but dreams in my bag. My life seemed to happen all too quickly. Two teenage boys, over two decades in a job, one marriage and one divorce.

I threw off the covers and put my bare toes on the freezing floor. I hadn't turned on the heat, I was trying to save the last few gallons of fuel for Christmas. Seeing as I was a wake, I may as well get some coffee inside me. It was too early to wake the boys, so I checked my e-mails in case a job offer had come through. I’m a nurse, at least I had been one. Can you still call yourself a nurse if you’ve nobody to look after?

I worked at the Community Health Centre in town since I graduated nursing college. I’d never known another job and never imagined they would close the place down. They said it was economically unviable. Since when did growing old have to be viable? I was working there when I married Mikey. It was my wage that got us the mortgage to buy this house. It’s old, and it’s huge. Even back then I told Mikey it was too big. He said it was an investment for the future. Ha! If I’d know how quick he was going to run out on me, I would have told him where to stick his investment. The only good thing he left me were my boys.

That’s my past in a nutshell. Now, I’m trapped in this half-done house, with no money to finish it. I'd applied for jobs all over the place; Greenburg, Youngstown, you name it, anyplace within a hundred miles. They were all either fully staffed or looking for someone younger. I looked at the hand gripping my mug and felt pain radiating up from it. Arthritis. Most people couldn’t tell, but hospital interviewers would spot it a mile away. What good is a nurse that couldn’t hold a needle or fill out a medicine chart? Sure, I could manage now, but what would they do with me in five years’ time? Nobody wanted to take the chance of being lumbered with an invilid.

I sipped my coffee and wallowed in resentment. The government didn't care about people like me, except for election time, then they cared. But not when you needed help, or were looking for way out of bother. Then they turned their backs and hoped you'd go away, or die. It was a blow to me, when the centre closed, but I still believed back then, believed things would work out alright. If I didn’t have savings to fall back on, we would have starved.

I hated thinking about these things, it was like poison in my mind. I sipped my coffee again, but it was cold. I dumped the dregs down the sink and set about starting yet another day of uselessness.

***

Once the boys were on their way to school, I wrapped up warm, filled a thermos with coffee, and walked the short distance to the Mini Mart. I was going to catch the bus into Youngstown. I'd an interview with a temp agency, it was my last hope. I rubbed my hands and stamped my feet to stay warm as I waited. It hadn’t snowed yet, but it was coming. When the bus arrived, I counted out my coins and paid the fare. I missed having a car so much but that was another luxury culled by my finances. Without it, I was even less employable.

Two bus rides later, I’d notched up my twenty-fifth job refusal. God almighty, it was emptying bedpans and giving medication, not heart surgery. What was wrong with these people? Petty bureaucrats in their Wall-mart suits playing with people’s lives. I felt like going postal on the lot of them. The bus rocked, as if it was trying to console me. I felt miserable and devoid of hope. I could see nothing in front of me except the possibility of becoming homeless. They made me redundant and now that word defined me.

As I got off the bus, an old man stepped out of the Mini-Mart. He wore a black hat, a long coat and tapped his way down the icy steps with a cane. In his hand he balanced a bag of groceries. On the second last step, his cane skidded and the man tumbled to the frozen ground. I rushed over, my training overcoming my foul humour, and hunkered down at his side.

"Are you okay?" I asked, helping him to sit up.

He looked about him, as if he'd just woken up in this exact spot. He patted his arms and legs, testing for damage before nodding and said, "Nothing broken, this time."

"Let me help you up," I said, laying the empty thermos on the ground. Slowly, the old man got to his feet. He was as light as a bird and my fingers felt how thin his arm was, despite several layers of clothes. I retrieved the man’s cane, and made sure he was steady on his feet, before releasing my grip.

"My humble thanks for your assistance, Madam," he said, doffing his cap in a very old-fashioned way.

"Don't be silly, it's nothing. I'll get your groceries." I retrieved the spilled provisions. The man had nothing but microwave dinners and potato chips in the bag.

"I hope you're eating more than this?" I said.

"Pardon?"

"I hope you are eating proper food. Do you cook?" I knew I was sounding like a battle-axe matron, but good nutrition was the key to good health. I guess it was ingrained in me after all those years of nursing. The man looked at me and it occurred to me that I might have upset him. His mood seemed to dim.

"Mrs Goldbloom did all the cooking in our house. Sadly, the stove has been idle for years. But I have mastered the art of nuclear cuisine." he said, and it was easy to see that it was the lady he missed, not her cooking.

"Your wife?" I asked, and as I did, It occurred to me I was prying into a life I didn’t know.

"She was my queen, Dear Lady. A soul so beautiful, that God couldn't be without her." A tiny tear moistened the wrinkles framing his cheerful eyes. The two emotions were juxtaposed. Cheerfulness and heartbreak in one moment.

"You have a very unusual way of speaking, Mr Goldbloom. I like it," I said in an attempt to repair the pain my prying had caused.

"Why, thank you, My Lady," he said, taking off his cap to perform a deep bow, which was only made sweeter when he had difficulty straightening up again. I had to laugh. He was a wrinkly old charmer.

"It's been so long since I've encountered a true gentleman,” I said, copying his bow and way of talking. “Might I be so bold as to ask you to share luncheon, if you have no prior engagements?” The invitation was partly out of concern for his eating habits and partly due to my loneliness.

"I wouldn't like to impose," he said in a way that told me he suspected charity.

"You're doing me the favour. I hate to eat alone," I said, taking hold of his arm and guided him the few blocks to my house.

"You have a lovely house Mrs..?" he said, kindly overlooking the half-finished maintenance and the cold.

“Just, Laurie,” I said as I ducked into the cellar to turn on the heat. When I got back, he was still wearing his coat. I helped him off with it and hung it on a hook in the hall. “It was my husband who picked this place, and now I’m stuck with it. It will heat up soon, Mr Goldbloom. Why not sit in the kitchen with me while I get things started?"

We talked about his life and Mrs Goldbloom. He told me how they'd met. He described their first dance, the day he proposed to her, and the day he lost her. It was a gripping story and I didn’t feel the time pass as I cooked. He was a natural storyteller and when I checked my watch and it was nearly three thirty.

"The kids will be home soon, I'd better get a move on," I said and Mr Goldbloom got to his feet.

"Today has been a delight, My Dear. Could I trouble you to get my coat from the hall? I retrieved it for him and helped him get it on. I walked him to the door and handed him his groceries, in a new bag, which he tucked under his arm.

"Will you be okay getting home?" I asked him.

"Perfectly, My Dear. Thank you again for a wonderful day."

"We must do it again," I said with a smile.

"What about tomorrow?" he asked. I was taken by surprise, but covered it well.

"Sure, About one?" I stammered, feeling only a tiny bit railroaded.

"Fantastic, till tomorrow," he said, doffing his cap and tap tapping his way down the driveway.

I closed the door feeling I’d done something useful at last. I had a warm glow of fulfilment inside when I turned off the heating and pulled on a second jumper. I still had an hour before the boys got home from school, plenty of time to get the kitchen cleaned up. When I picked up Mr Goldbloom's plate, a twenty-dollar bill fluttered to the ground. I picked up the note and was tempted to run after him, but need kept me still. I felt tears come and did nothing to stop them.

The following day, just shy of one, the doorbell chimed and I rushed to it. On the stoop was Mr Goldbloom, with an even older man standing at his shoulder.

"I know this is beyond naughty, Ms Laurie, but my friend Andy heard about our assignation and I couldn’t dissuade him from coming along. He said the saint I described could not exist in Ohio. I hope you don't mind?"

I blushed and stood to one side, allowing the men enter.

"Come on in, Andy," I said, happily. The complement was the nicest thing anyone had said to me in ages.  

"If this is putting you out, you just got to say," said Andy, his deep voice belaying his slight size.

"No trouble at all, Andy. There’s plenty to go around."

"What has our cherub prepared for us today? asked Mr Goldbloom, hanging his coat on a hook. The house was warm because I had turned on the heat at twelve.

"Pumpkin soup, followed by pot roast, with apple pie for desert."

"Heaven, My Dear. Heaven," said Mr Goldbloom, clapping his hands and taking his place at the table.

Mr Goldbloom and Andy were like naughty schoolboys. They laughed and joked their way through the meal, making me feel like a teenager for a while. When the lunch was over, and it was time to go home, Mr Goldbloom asked me to fetch his coat. This time I was ready for him. When I came back, I helped him on with his coat then lifted his plate. The twenty-dollar bill was where, as I thought it would be.

"Mr Goldbloom, there's no need for that. You're my guest," I said holding out the note. The old man's features grew serous.

"Please don't, you'll ruin it."

"Ruin it?"

He drew me to one side. "I'd spend that, and more, on junk in the Mini-Mart and have nothing but rubbish in my belly. This way I get real food and the warmth of your companionship. More than that, it gave me a reason to look forward to the day. I'm not a man without means, Laurie. If you make me take it back, I won’t be able to return.”

His face said he was completely determined and I did want him to come again. I wanted to feel needed, to feel valued. I slipped the note into my pocket and he smiled. He kissed me on the cheek and turned to Andy, "Shall we go, my friend?" Andy nodded and the men walked toward the front door. Mr Goldbloom stopped and turned.

"Laurie?"

"Yes. Mr Goldbloom?"

"Same time tomorrow?"

I smiled, "Don't be late."

When I cleared the table, I was shocked to find another twenty under Andy's plate. Forty dollars paid for the whole meal, twice. I held the bills in my hands and felt hope for the first time in ages. The world, apparently, wasn't completely unkind.

The following day, Mr Goldbloom and Andy returned for lunch. The day after that, a third person joined the group. Mrs Casey. As the days went by, the lunch time crew grew exponentially. Soon, I was serving lunch in two sittings. My front room became an unofficial community centre. I so looked forward to answering the door each day; greeting smiling people, and enjoying a few hours of good company, laughter, and home cooking. Under each plate I'd find a note. Sometimes a five, mostly tens, Mr Goldbloom and Andy always left twenty. At the end of the month, I'd no problem meeting the mortgage payment and had enough left over to fill the oil tank.

One lunch-time, Mr Goldbloom didn’t show up. I asked Andy if he knew what had happened.

"No idea. I was wondering the same thing myself. I know his phone number," he said.

We dialled the number, and listened, but the phone rang out.

"Do you know where his house is?" I asked Andy.

"Sure, do you think we should go over?"

"It can't do any harm and I'd feel better," I said. I finished cleaning the kitchen while Andy said cheerio to the last of the lunch time gang. Ten minutes later we were on Mr Goldbloom’s porch. There was no answer and no lights.

"He must be out," said Andy

"I'm going to have a look around, "I said, circling the house and peering through the windows. In the kitchen I saw an upturned chair and a foot peeking out from behind the breakfast island.

"Oh God, no!" I said, hammering on the door but the ankle didn't move. I pulled out my phone and dialled 911, giving the address and telling the officer what I could see. The squad car arrived in minutes, New Middletown is only a small community. The officer ran around the back and after one quick knock he used his night stick to break the glass.

We rushed across the kitchen, my first look told me Mr Goldbloom was alive, but the gash on his head and the weird angle of his arm, said he was far from good.  The ambulance arrived, and soon Mr Goldbloom was racing the thirty minutes to Youngstown hospital.

In the days that followed, I found out that Mr Goldbloom had been standing on a chair to get something from a shelf when he fell, hitting his head on the breakfast island. Mr Goldbloom broke his arm in the fall, but otherwise, he was making a good recovery. I took the bus to Youngstown and found Mr Goldbloom sitting up in his bed. He looked so tiny when he wasn't wrapped in five layers of clothes.

"How're you doing?" I asked, placing a bag of fruit and some magazines on his bedside table.

"It appears I'm still wanted here, despite my mountain climbing tendencies. I think I'll attempt abseiling next."

"It's no laughing matter, you gave me and Andy such a fright. We thought you were dead, seeing you lying on the floor like that."

"You weren't the only one, My Dear," he said, a little more seriously.

"Well, at least you're in one piece. When are you getting out of here?"

"Friday."

"Where are you going to stay?"

"At home, where else."

"You can’t stay alone. You won't be able to look after yourself. Have you any relatives you could stay with?"

"None that I want to stay with, or who'd be glad of my presence."

"What about a nursing home?"

"You sound like my doctor now."

"Don't forget, I was a nurse. We think the same ways. A nursing home while you’re getting better is not such a bad place to be."

"Do you know how much they cost?"

"A bit, I’m sure."

"Nine hundred dollars, a week. A WEEK! Imagine that. It would be cheaper to check into the Ritz."

"God that is a lot. Surely there must be less expensive ones."

"Perhaps if you've got insurance. I've money, but nothing like that. I'll just have to get by on my own. It’s only a broken arm after all."

"I'll call in and make sure you're okay."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"Sure you can. What are friends for?"

"No seriously That's taking charity and I'm not a charity case, never have been, never will be."

"Sush! Stop talking rubbish, I'll call on you and that is that."

Mr Goldbloom looked serous, and not happy, but he didn't argue any more. We talked about the lunch time gang and I filled him in on all the gossip. As I sat chatting with Mr Goldbloom, in a setting I'd previously found comfortable, I became aware of the hissing and beeping machines, the incessant passing of people, busy with tasks, while patients lay helpless in their midst. It was the first time I realised how terrifying hospital could be. I saw that fear hidden in the eyes of Mr Goldbloom, as we discussed mundane occurrences, and I felt for him. The hour flew by and it was soon time to catch my bus home. I was putting on my coat when he made his proposal.

"There would be one way I'd agree to you helping take care of me."

“And what way is that?"

"If you worked for me, officially."

"Don't be silly were friends."

"Yes, we are, which would make this arrangement all the more pleasant. Please hear me out and consider my proposition. As you rightly point out, I'm in need of some medical care, you're a nurse who is currently without position. I propose that I'd stay in my own home, where you can call on me, making sure I'm taking all the right pills. Perhaps some light house work. In return I shall pay you for your time. Let’s say twenty-five dollars an hour."

"Twenty-five dollars an hour is far too much."

"Nonsense, My Dear, it's a bargain compared to nine hundred dollars a week for a single bed in Gods waiting room. I just ask you to consider it. If my terms are agreeable, I'll be home about three on Friday."

I smiled at the funny old man, and the way he pretended to doff his invisible cap, as I left his room. On the long bus ride home, I could only see good in his proposal. That's why I was waiting on his porch when his taxi arrived on Friday. I had his boiler running and the house was toasty. I’d changed the sheets on his bed, and had a pot of broth warming on his stove. I gave him my arm and accompanied him up the snow specked path.

***

That all happened last year. Mr Goldbloom now lives with me and my boys, along with Mrs Casey. The lunch time crew is a fantastic success, and with the money it makes, I have been able to get pay my friend Mary to help with the cooking. This allows me more time to concentrate on my new business. Home Nursing. I have a list of clients I call to each day, making sure they are well looked after. I charge what they can afford and no more. Its more than a job, it’s my place in the world. The truth is, they help me just as much as I help them. When they opened their doors to me, they rekindled hope in my heart. And hope is the best medicine of all. 

The magic of words.

Two of the greatest gifts given to man are words and imagination. One without the other is the definition of potential unfulfilled.

Imagination is a blank canvas to begin with; it's like floating in a void, neither hot nor cold, without up or down and the magic only begins when we add words. Then we begin to paint the blackness with color.

***

From the gloom I see a sliver of pink way way off in the distance. I move towards it, and see the pink gather strength.The color becomes a sunrise, painting edges of previously invisible clouds. Pink grows through gold, until it becomes a glorious sunrise. I look down and see a sapphire blue ocean flecked by rolling waves. In the distance, just the hint of brooding hills and sandy beaches. 

On the horizon, a sail appears, then divides into two, then six. A galleon runs before the wind, slicing the waves with a knife sharp bow.  The rigging, as complex as a spiders web, is all but invisible from this great height, but I can see the sails straining under the weight of a growing breeze. I look to the horizon and see dark cloud gathering and rushing on. I hear the ships sails crack as the squall hits. The timbers of the hull groan as they are forced to bite into the growing swell. The ship heals far over, threatening to tip the crew into the depths. 

The storm grows and I watch the sailors reef the sail and baton down the hatches. At the helm, a handsome man with wild hair battles to keep the vessel on course as wind, and wave, crash upon them. The seas are huge now, washing over the rails, taking men from their feet, trying to drag them into their deaths. Time stands still, and rushes forward, hustling the scene until the ship crashes on a submerged reef and the sound of snapping timbers chills my bones. 

It's a terrible sight to see such a majestic vessel begin to die. Sailors jump into monster waves only to be beaten senseless then vanish beneath. In the end, only the young captain remains, struggling to keep his head above the water. His dark eyes are full of fear. He takes a gulp of air and watches a mountain of water rise above him. It explodes like a cannon, driving the man so very deep, survival is impossible. I fold my arms tight to my body and dive through the air; aiming for the point where the captain vanished. I hit the surface and slice through the water like a knife. In the depths I can see the captains body drifting lifelessly toward the bottom. 

Something moves, a flash of white, only to dart away. The specter circles the drowning man, as if entranced. The shadow solidifies into something I can hardly believe I am seeing. It becomes the most beautiful woman, with blonde hair streaming over her slender shoulders to touch the top of her hip. There the woman stopped and her body morphed into the tail of a fish. She's is the most amazing creature I have ever gazed upon. The sailor's body settles on the reef, a moment from becoming another soul calmed by the sea when the maid surged forward, grasping him, and with a flick of her wondrous tail she launched them toward the surface. 

It takes every ounce of my will to keep pace with the creature as she drove toward shore. My head breaks the waves in time to see the mermaid drag the captain up the beach. He looks so peaceful, as if sleeping, without a care in the world. She is oblivious to my presence, as she cradles the young sailor, concern pinching the skin above her eyes. She leans close to kiss the dead sailor and a light glows around them, blinding me for the briefest moment. When their lips part, color returns to the man's lips, his chest rises and life returns to his body. 

The maid look distraught as she crawled back to the surf; the pounding waves washing tears from her face. I noticed her tail no longer glowed golden; now it was the silver gray of an aging salmon. She'd sacrificed so much of herself to save the man, perhaps out of goodness, perhaps out of love. Whatever the reason, she entered the water lessened for her kiss.

***

Words, just words, but what places they take us.

Wibbly Wobbly Christmas

Last night after closing, I was putting out some barrels when I spotted Robbie Condan wobbling up the street full of the spirit of Christmas. Well full of spirits even if they had come from a bottle. He was singing Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer and wearing a paper hat while his feet took two steps backwards for every three steps forward.  

"Evening Robbie," I called. He waved in the general direction of the noise and nearly fell on his ass. He managed to hold himself up by grabbing the iron railings outside the park. I started to run across the road expecting him to  crash into the pavement. Even as drunk as he was, Robbie managed to hold himself up using the fence for support. He wobbled and staggered but stayed standing. I could only watch the amazing sight of Robbie pulling himself up the street bar by bar, singing with gusto as he went.

This morning after mass I happened to bump into Robbie. He was a shocking sight, eyes as red as the devils skin and his face as white as a sheet. There's always a price to be paid for our pleasures.

"Happy Christmas Robbie," I said. "I hope you got home safe last night."

"I sure did," he said with a cheeky grin. "I traveled by rail."

***

Happy Christmas every one and see you all in the new year.

Make it so number one.

I heard this story on the radio while coming home from work the other night and thought you might get a kick out of it. In setting the scene, it's important to remember being famous world wide is often of scant importance when viewed from a parochial viewpoint.

A while back William Shatner was holidaying in Ireland. From what I heard he was a most affable and unassuming man. During his time here his host took him to a Junior Club Hurling match. The teenagers put on a performance of such skill that Mr Shatner was blown away. His host suggested going along to the medal presentation in the clubhouse.

Being one of the most recognisable faces on the planet, it's not unusual that he made a stir but he didn't want to take from the achievements of the kids. Some of the club members approached the chairman when they heard who was in the audience. The chairman was a man who lived and breathed hurling and little else,

"Why don't you ask Captain Kirk to present the medals, it would be great crack," said one of them.

"Captain Kirk?" asked the chairman.

"Yea Captain Kirk, you know. He's the fella in charge of the Starship Enterprise, the space ship."

The look on the chairman's face left no doubt that he had no idea who the man was talking about.

 The exasperated club member said,"Just ask William Shatner to come to the stage."

"Alright," said the chairman and made his way to the rostrum. After a lengthy speech on the merits of the game it came time to call up the impromptu guest of honour.

"Could ...," started the chairman but he'd forgotten the man's name. Several people below the stage began whispering 'William Shatner' and 'Captain Kirk' which only added to the man's confusion. Frustrated to the hilt, the chairman grabbed the mike and said, "Will your-man from space come up here please."


When William Shatner eventually got his gales of laughter under control he made a great job of the presentation.

Loo Door Logic

At some time or other, we'll all end up staring across the table at a warming glass of Chardonnay that's destined never to be drunk.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a moment of enlightenment in the life of a wine swilling alcho, I don't even like wine. The bottle of Heineken opposite the Chardonnay is mine, my suddenly called away lady friend is the wine drinker.

I don't know why I thought internet dating would be any better than normal dating, it’s not. They say the camera adds ten pounds, but in my dates case, it seems to have subtracted at least a stone. Her name is Sandra, or is it Sandy? Something with sand in it anyway. After chatting to her for a week, I finally plucked up the courage to ask her on a real date. You know what? She said yes. We really hit it off on line, her texts were chatty, intelligent, even bubbly, but she'd barely uttered a word since we met for real. What’s going on with that?

I took her to the eight o'clock showing of, "Inglorious Bastards." A truly great movie in my opinion, but she left me waiting in the lobby for ages, feeling like a spare part, two tickets in hand. The movie had already started when she showed up. She was really dolled up and I felt very under dressed in my skinny jeans and fancy V neck tee-shirt. I was nervous, so I made a joke about the traffic being murder, I thought it apt given the movie we were going to see. She didn't seem to get it. She wanted popcorn and drinks, which I forked out for as well, and we took our seats with half the show over. 

Nothing much had happened by the time the credits rolled. She hadn't tried to grab me or anything, actually she hardly said a word. Well, it was a movie, I guess. I suggested a beer in a trendy music club, so we could get to know each other better. Would you believe it, a fiver to get in…each…on a Wednesday! She didn't even take her coat off. By the time I came back with the drinks, her phone was suck to her ear. A flat mate, apparently, with some emergency. Her cat I believe.

Like that, she was gone, leaving me sitting alone, thirty quid out of pocket on a movie I'd already seen, in the most uncomfortable jeans ever worn, with a drink I was never going to drink.

Bloody typical.

One way or the other, I was finishing my beer, and a second. Why the hell not? A while later, a visit to the loo was required. Two bottles of Heineken, and a bucket of cola, will not all fit in my bladder. This was yet another massive mistake.

I pushed open the door and the place stank to high heaven. The urinal was blocked with fag butts, and full of piss. One of the cubicles was missing a door but a heavily tattooed biker was still taking a dump in it. Thankfully, the occupant of the second stall picked that moment to leave, so I ducked inside only to be assaulted by a lingering cloud of ass gas. Could this night get any worse?

As I stood, peeing, and holding my breath, I began admiring the scribbles left by previous victims of this filthy space. Floating right in my eye line was a message, penned by a sadistic prophet. Love yourself, nobody else will.

My life in a nutshell.

***

The next day started as always, far too early. The bus was crowded and smelly, taking me to a job I hate. Who actually wants to be a telemarketer? Five years in this soul sucking hell hole and not even promoted to supervisor. Mind you, I don't blame them. I've a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and my annoyance in my voice...unfortunately. My friend, Tony, has the cell...sorry...cubical, next to mine. We've been lunch buddies since day one. My half-hour of sanity.

"How did the date go?" he asked between chomps of ham and cheese roll, while we sat on the steps of the building.

"She legged it as soon as we got to the club, didn't even finish her drink," I said, sounding sulky, and feeling I deserved to be pitied.

"Sorry mate," and to his credit, he did sound it.

"I should have expected it. Shit like that is always happening to me. I'm never destined to find the one," I said, and knew in my heart that it was just another example of how the world was out to get me.

"Don't say that," he said. "The perfect girl might be waiting around the corner."

"Rubbish," I snapped. What did he know? He didn't understand what it was like to be me. He was happy with his life, but I never intended to be sitting here, on a flipping step, eating sandwiches at twenty-seven years of age. I should be going places.

"Why?" he asked and he was being serous. He actually wanted an answer.

"Women don't want guys like us! They want Mr Flash, Mr Good time, and who could blame them?"

"That's a bit judgmental, don't you think?" he said, and sounded affronted. Jesus, I never took Tony for the delusional type.

"Sure! They say it’s all about personality, but that's a load of bullshit. The game is rigged and we're on the losing side," I said, throwing the last of my sandwich over the hedge behind us. 

"Not all women are the same, at the very least, they're not all as shallow and self-centred as you think they are," he said, getting hot under the collar. I didn't see what was getting him so riled up. Any idiot could see I was right.

"Ha!" I said, and let the sneer in my words do my talking for me. I was pissed off with women, why the hell should I hide it?

"Did you ever think you might be the problem, not them?" Tony said, his sandwich forgotten. He was proper angry now and for no good reason.

"Hang on a minute, what the hell did I do?" I said, slapping my chest with indignation.

"Nothing, you did nothing," he said, standing up and walking away. I wasn't having that. I jumped up and grabbed his shoulder, spinning around to face me.

"NO, no no... you were going to say something! Spit it out,"

"I don't want to get into this. I shouldn't have said anything. It's none of my business," he said, his tone calming, trying to talk his way out of an argument but I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. He'd started it, I was going to finish it.

"I want to know what you were going to say, is that asking too much?" I demanded.

He set his jaw, clenching it, the anger driving him to say what he clearly didn't want to say. "It's just you! Poor you! You expect so much and do fuck-all to make it happen! Then you sulk like a brat when you get what you deserve. And that's the truth!"

"I do not," I said, shocked. Really shocked. I never heard him so...well...confrontational. It wasn't like him at all. How could he have gotten me so wrong?

"Yes, you do, Greg!" now he'd started, he wasn't backing down. I stepped away and looked him in the eye. I hoped he could see how hurt I was, how maligned I was. If he couldn't, I was going to show him.

"Fuck you," I said, brushing past him. Yet again, Tony took me by surprise. He grabbed me and spun me around, hard. I thought he was going to punch me, and in a way he did; only with words.

"No, fuck you! I've listened to your griping long enough. Everyone has shit days, everyone has disappointments, but we get on with things. We don't inflict our misery on everyone around us. It's no wonder women run a mile from you! Who the hell wants to be around that kind of crap all the time? Relationships are meant to be fun..FUN! Try having some, now and again."

As he walked away, he threw his sandwich in a bin and yelled over his shoulder, "And you ruined my lunch."

***

I sat there for a long time, feeling bad about what Tony had said. I was nothing like that. When I got back to my desk, a pink post-it was stuck on my computer screen. Sorry, just having a bad day.

Tony's chair was empty and remained so for the rest of the day. I worked through my shift, fuming. On the ride home, Tony's words went around and around in my head. The more I thought about them, the more stupid they sounded. Nothing I was going to do was going to make, Katie Perry, appear in my bed. I could have all the good thoughts in the world, imagine fairies and unicorns to beat the band, and life will still be shit. I imagined all the things I would say to Tony when I saw him, and they all ended with the phrase, stick that in your self-help pipe and smoke it!

In the morning, when the bus pulled up at my stop, there was one seat left. I took it and looked out the window. First one drop landed, then a few, before the next stop the rain was thundering down. I sighed, knowing I was going to get soaked getting to the office. The driver pulled up and more people got on. I stuck in my head phones and refused to look at them.

Everyone has shit days, we don't inflict them on others.

Tony's words were back to torture me. The bus slowed, again! Surely he wasn't going to let more people on?

The doors opened and dripping old lady boarded.

Everyone has disappointments. 

Damn you, Tony. Get out of my head!

The wrinkly old dear was moving down the bus, using the seats like monkey-bars. She glanced at me and held on as the bus moved away from the kerb

Sulk like a brat.

Tony's words were distracting. The bus jolted and I realised I was still looking at the old lady, and she at me.

"Hi."

Who said that, I thought? Oh shit! It was me.

The lady looked confused and said, "Do I know you?"  I had a feeling she was about to report me to the driver, or something. I'd better do something...quick.

"No, just thought you'd like to sit," I said, and slid out of my seat. It was no loss, I nearly never got one anyway.

She smiled a lovely smile. "How very nice." She patted my arm and took my seat.

I hated standing, and shuffling old ladies make my blood boil. This was all Tony's fault. When my stop finally arrived, the old girl tapped me as I passed and said, "God bless you." You know, strangely, I didn't get as wet as I expected on the way to work.

***

I intended to clear the air with Tony, but I couldn't. He'd rang in sick.

The next morning, I got up late and ran to catch the bus only to see it vanishing into the distance. I thought of Tony once more. His rant still stung, but not as much.

"Who says I let things get to me?" I said, as I sat at the bus-stop, deliberately stretched out my legs, linking my fingers behind my head. I gave a mental two fingers to my supposed friend. I closed my eyes and let the morning sun play over my face. It was quiet relaxing. When the bus arrived, it felt like seconds, not the hours it normally felt like. I never remember being so relaxed going to work before. As much as it irked me to admit it, Tony might have a point.

As the days passed, I tried other things; I let people on the lift before me, I held doors, I smiled even if I didn't mean it, I said hello to people in shops, I was nicer to tellers, I made coffee for colleagues. I even tried it with the customers. I started asking if they wanted to talk to me, or not, before launching into my sales pitch, and remarkably, my figures went up. The biggest thing I learned was, even when someone was grumpy, I still felt better, as long as I wasn't grumpy back.

A week passed before Tony came back to work. I snuck out for a few minutes and returned with a latte and a chocolate muffin. I slid them onto his desk, and said, "Sorry I ruined your lunch."

"I wanted to talk to you about that. I'm the one that should be sorry. I wasn't feeling well and took it out on you. It wasn't fair."

"No, you were right about a lot of things. Things I'm sure others said behind my back, but it takes a good friend to say them to my face."

He smiled, and I was glad. I'd done a lot of thinking about my life, and what had happened. I needed to thank him for that.

"Fancy eating this with me later?" he said, pointing at the muffin.

"That's a date! Which reminds me, I've another one later," I said, dying to share my big news with someone.

"You’re kidding? With who?"

"Ciara, from accounts."

"Ciara, from our accounts? That Ciara?"

"The one and only," I said, with a beaming smile. She was a stunner and I couldn't believe she'd agreed to come out with me.

"So where are you taking her? Not, Transformers, I hope."

I had to laugh at that. "No, I've something else in mind."

***

We ate an early dinner at a cafe by the canal. She laughed at my terrible jokes, and we talked about everything and anything. I never believed a woman as wonderful as her would ever be interested in me. After dinner, I asked if she fancied staying out for a drink, and my heart did a jig when she said, yes. I knew just the place to take her.

This time, the glass of wine was on the same side of the table as my bottle of Heineken, and a few empties rubbed shoulders in the middle. After a bit, I excused myself and braved the loo, hoping it wasn't going to be as bad as I remembered. Thankfully, the urinal had been unclogged, but the door was still missing from the first cubicle. I used the second.

Like the last time, I noticed the quote which had so tidily described my life. Reading it again, it seemed unfinished. After a quick shake, I fished a pen from my pocket and went to work. It was only a small change, but an important one.

Love yourself, it started but this time I'd written the word, OR , between it and, nobody else will."

"Not quite right," I said, and added a smiley face.

Now it was perfect.

Thanks so much for reading along. If you liked it, there are plenty more stories here to try out!! 

If you are feeling hugely adventurous, why not download, "Thirty Pieces of Silver." Those who've tried it seemed to enjoy it, but be warned, it can be a little bit...ferocious. 

Doctors, Robbers and Wakes

This isn't a story but a wacky bit of history. I just found out today the reason funeral wakes came into being.

I just thought that the Irish loved a good party and any reason would do just fine. The beginnings of the Funeral Wake had a much more serous start. Medical science was in its infancy and they were mad for bodies to work on, expanding their knowledge. Annoyingly people were not so keen to co-operate. The number of people willing to be cut up in the name of science was tiny. Enter the greatest evil, cash.

The doctors began paying good money for a body. Enter the second great evil, people. Supply and demand did the rest. It was not long before freshly planted loved ones were just getting up and vanishing. That was when the wake was born,

Relatives would have to wait with the body while it was prepared for burial and stay awake, watch it while it was placed in the grave yard staying awake all the time. Lastly they had to stay with the body for several days afterwards particularly at night to make sure it was not dug up again while still usable.

Today a wake is a way to say good bye to a loved one but once it was a way to make sure you didn't loose them for good.

King Rat

Have you noticed how determined everyone seems to be to leave a mark on the world? It must be a natural reaction to our mortality. Fame comes in many shapes and sizes. Some people are destined to be known throughout the ages, immortal through the annals of history, Achilles for instance. The rest of us have to accept that our own little glimmer of notoriety will dwindle slightly more quickly. Sadly, we don't often get to pick how we are remembered, that duty falls to the ones we encounter on our way.

In the eighties there was a man called Mr O'Gorman living in my town, he was a crooked old fella with withered features and a wicked scowl. He was determined to see the worst in everyone and everything. Nothing seemed to bring joy into his life. Hardly surprising really, he rattled around in a huge old store all by himself. What was once a thriving Grain and Feed business now was just a shell, falling into decay around the old man. Weeds sprouted through a massive yard, unused in years. The painted sign that stretched the length of the building had once announced, "O'Gorman and Son," proudly to the world in gold and black, now it was fading and flaked, a symbol of hope forever lost. It looked like a building abandoned to the mice and spiders. Mr O'Gorman was not a verbal man, he let his emotions crawl over his face like storm clouds racing over a sunny valley. Bumping into this shuffling figure could never be described as a pleasure, which Billy Nugent found out to his cost.

A small town is a microcosm, and one that can easily be thrown into uproar. One sunny Sunday, the morning the mass bell was still pealing when Mr O'Gorman was swept away from the steps of the church by a vision of evil. That was how the scene was retold later, at any rate. What had actually happened was Billy Nugent, recently returned from New York City, came careering down the pavement on something called a skateboard.

Clickity-clack, clickity-clack, clickity-clack, went the wheels as they pumped over cracks in the concrete. Along with the skateboard, Billy had returned from America with a whole collection of hoodies, an equally deadly addition to his arsenal of mayhem.  The sad truth of the matter was that, Billy, had no control of the board, and nearly no view of what lay ahead of him. The first time he saw Mr O'Gorman was when they became a flying ball of limbs. At first, some of the women thought it was the Grim Reaper, come to take the grumpy old sod down below. When they eventually untangled the mess, it was a major disappointment to see a spotty teenager emerge from the cowl.

"You guttersnipe, you should be arrested," growled Mr O'Gorman as he was helped to his feet.

"It wasn't my fault. You jumped right out in front of me," stammered Billy.

"Rubbish, you moron! This is a footpath, not a whatever-the-hell that is, path," roared the old man, waving his blackthorn stick at the upended skateboard.

"I have as much right to be on here as you, and it’s a skateboard, you old goat," said Billy, as bold as brass retrieving his board. The name calling was a step to far for Mr O'Gorman, who lashed out with his knobbly walking stick. Billy deftly avoided the blows and raced for safety.

"I'll get the Sargent after you…you PUP!" yelled the old man at the disappearing teenager.

***

Mr O'Gorman was nothing if not a man of his word. After several heated telephone calls to the Garda station, the Sargent finally agreed to call on the Nugent's, but refused to arrest the teenager for attempted murder, as the old man wanted. Now, whatever the Sargent was expecting to encounter it wasn’t the disinterested, disrespectful, irreverent young man he found Billy Nugent to be. Every attempt he made to explain the gravity of the situation, to the spotty teenager, was greeted with rebuttal. Most annoyingly, the kid's points were difficult to refute. In the end the Sargent could take no more, he blew his top, telling the sheepish parents that, "Billy would end up seeing the inside of a cell before long," then stormed out of the house.

The following few days saw several more angry calls from Mr O'Gorman, wanting to know, "Why that hooligan was still roaming the streets terrorising law abiding people?" Being told that there was nothing illegal about skateboarding did nothing to ease the situation.

"What do you mean nothing illegal? Didn't he nearly clean kill me?"

"I understand, Mr O'Gorman, but it was only an accident and I've had a stern word with him, and his parents."

"Feck all good your words are! Didn't I have to run him out of my yard only yesterday, with that devil board of his, and he gave me the finger, did you hear? The finger!"

The Sargent sighed heavily into the phone and said, "I’ll have another word." You could nearly hear his back creak under the weight of defeat.

"You do that, Sargent, and I'll start selling chocolate tea pots; they’ll be about as much use."

"I have to act within the law," said the Sargent, having nearly enough of being hectored by this old codger.

"Well, the law is an ass!" roared the old man.

"Are you calling me an ass," said the Sargent, not believing what he was hearing.

"If the cap fits, wear it," snapped Mr O 'Gorman, slamming down the handset.

***

The Sargent wasn’t the only one to feel the sharp side of Mr O'Gorman's tongue. Having given up on the law, he turned his attention on the head of the County Council, for whom he held little regard anyway. That phone conversation went even worse, as the Town Planning Officer was a jobsworth, with a lazy streak a mile wide. After listening disinterestedly to Mr O'Groman's rant, the Planning Officers reply was, "And what do you want me to do about it?" Mr O'Gorman's blood pressure went stratospheric.

"What do I want you to do? I want you to get off that huge, lazy, backside of yours and make this town a safe place to live. I want to know what you lot do in that brand new, state of the art, tower block, besides ripping off pensioners like me."

"We certainly do not rip off pensioners! I resent you're tone, Mr O'Gorman," said the Planning Officer hoitily. "We take no revenue from the retired of this community I will have you know."

"Why then, are you charging rates on my home?"

"Technically, it is a business premises, Mr O'Gorman."

"Technically, I haven't sold anything ten years, but the rates bill comes regardless."

"That is a different matter entirely," said the Planner, hastily.

"Different matter my arse, you mark my words, you little shit, if you don't do something about these kids, you’ll be sorry," ranted Mr O'Gorman, before driving the handset into its cradle with a crash. Another dead end but he was a dogged old man and once he got the bit between his teeth, little would distract him. He contacted the, National Roads Authority, the local TD, the Parish Priest, as well as every member of the tidy town committee. It seemed no one could do anything.

The Sargent had his own axe to grind with Billy Nugent. He was not used to being belittled, or ignored, making Billy a marked man. Whenever the opportunity arose the Sargent gave him a grilling, or a clip around the ear. He even hauled Billy into the station in the back of the squad car. This only made Billy’s reputation grow until it reached legendary proportions among the youth of the town. Soon, the number of hoody-wearing skateboarders began to grow, Billy's rein of anarchy was gathering an unwitting army to itself.

Billy was far from a criminal mastermind; he wasn't even a bad kid. He just let his mouth lead the way long before his brain knew what was happening. He never intended to knock over the old fella outside the church, or even get the Sargent so mad. It just seemed to happen. People said he was moody but most of the time he just had nothing to say. Billy didn’t really fit in anywhere. When other kids began to copy the way he dressed, and wanted to hang out with him, he thought it was wired…creepy even. In the end, the lure of company was too much, and he begrudgingly accepted his new role as the town bad boy.

Mostly, Billy loved to skateboard. He and his new friends made little ramps and tried to perfect tricks, using the steps of the church or the school playground when nobody was around. Once, he even skated in O'Gormans yard, thinking the old man was out. That had been a mistake. As the number of skaters in town grew, so did the number of voices raised in protest at their existence. Billy couldn't understand it, after all, what the hell were they doing that was so wrong? It wasn't like they were selling drugs or mugging the wrinklies. It just made no sense. When the council tried to get a bye law passed, banning the use of skateboards on public pavements, Billy knew something had to be done.

About then, the rats began appearing. Not real rats, ones even more insipid. Small graffiti rat's, on public buildings. They seemed to spring up overnight, like magic. People thought the first one was cute, as it depicted an old rat walking on its back legs with a little walking stick. The next one had the same little rat but this time he held a bunch of flowers. When the third one appeared, holding a severed head, the public outcry began. Guess who was first on the list for questioning? It was Billy with a bullet.  

Of course, he said he had nothing to do with it. The night after Billy was questioned a whole family of rats appeared on the county council building with the slogan, "Freedom for the People," blazoned in bold letters above them. Billy's feet hardly touched the ground as he was hauled back in for further questioning. This time, he did see the inside of a cell, a whole night’s worth. At a minute to five in the morning, he was released, with a boot in the arse to help him on his way home.

Billy trudged the sidewalks of town, his trademark hoody pulled low over his head. He’d told the Sargent a dozen times, he had nothing to do with rats, but he may as well have been taking to the wall. If the Sargent wanted proof he should just talk to any of his teachers. They would have been delighted to tell him that Billy hadn't an artistic bone in his body. He was beginning to wonder if his new found popularity was worth all the hassle. The town was eerie at this time of the morning, it was so quiet. He walked along rows of houses, fuming, when he saw something move in the darkness. He froze. If it was the Sargent, he’d probably nick him for loitering or something.

In the distance, he made out a hunched figure near the Water Works Office. Billy decided to get a better look and tip-toed. He was just about to stop when his foot landed on a patch of gravel, causing the figure to spin round. You could have knocked him over with a feather when a smiling Mr O'Gorman regarded him with twinkling eyes. Where he had been kneeling, there was a still wet drawing of a rat, shaking the last few coppers from a coin purse into the begging bowl of huge suited figure, with the slogan, Power Corrupts - Completely. Billy heard Mr O'Gorman chuckle for the very first time and in a wink, he was gone.

The very next day, Billy was back in the clutches of the Sargent. He never mentioned a word about what he had seen, but continued to protest his innocence. What would be the point in saying? Nobody was going to believe what he saw. One or two more rats appeared after that, but no one ever identified the artist. Billy continued to skateboard up and down the pavements of the town, and Mr O'Gorman continued to rail against the world.

A few years after that, Mr O'Gorman passed away. His funeral was attended by only a handful of elderly towns folk, and distant relatives. It amazed everyone when Billy Nugent turned up at the graveside and remained for the full service. It was even more baffling when Mr O'Gormans will was read. Hadn't he donated his yard to the community, under the stipulation that it be concreted over, and used only as a free skate park for the young people. He also added that the council could whistle for the rates owed on the land.

The day after the newly concreted skate park opened, the mysterious artist struck again. A giant rat, with a crown on his head, appeared on the largest jump. The Sargent didn’t come looking for Billy about this one, which was just as well, because he couldn’t get the paint to budge from under his fingernails.

Billy and his friends continued to skate there for many a year, under the happy observation of the smiling rat. In the end, the boy, and the man, neither of whom fitted well with the world, existed in harmony.