Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Garry the Goose

I was home for a visit with my parents recently, which is always great. After spending some time splitting timber, and having tea, we caught up on all the news I've been missing. One of the highlights of the last few weeks seems to be the lighter approach, one of our priests is taking to mass. He ended a service, a couple of weeks ago, with a joke. I for one am fully behind this new direction and thought it might be cool to share the joke he told.

Mrs Delaney was an elderly widow woman, who had a habit of picking unusual animals as pets. For several years, she was seen wandering the highways and byways of the country, with a large white goose, waddling along behind her.

Very early one morning, Mrs Delaney opened her front door to see Garry the Goose, lying on his back in the middle of the yard, with his wings spread akimbo. She ran over to him crying, “Garry, Garry,” and scooped him up in her arms. Poor Mrs Delaney was beside herself with worry, and ran down to the village as fast as her feet would carry her. Very soon, she was hammering on Mr Gibson’s door, the local veterinarian.

Before we go any further, I should tell you a few things about Mr Gibson. He is a bit of a gruff old sod at the best of times, but first thing on a weekend morning, he’s sure to be positively grizzly.  Mr Gibson was also renowned for his sarcastic nature and fondness for brandy. When he eventually threw open the front door to see who the hell was trying to batter it down, he was amazed to see a frantic pensioner cradling a clearly dead goose in her arms.

Mrs Delaney, burst through the door and rushed past a frazzled looking Mr Gibson.
“You got to help Garry, Doctor,” she said, dumping the flaccid bird in the middle his kitchen table.
“I’m not a doctor and who the hell is Garry?” asked Mr Gibson.
“That’s Garry, do something,” said the woman, pointing at the bird adopting a Jesus style pose across Mr Gibson’s breakfast. Mr Gibson found a statoscope and pressed it to the cold breast of the recently departed Garry. Mr Gibson soon looked up at the fretting woman and said, “Your Goose is dead, Mrs.”
“Rubbish, he was fine yesterday, do some tests, just do something!” demanded the distraught pensioner. Mr Gibson rolled his eyes to heaven and draped the statoscope around his neck, before stalking out of the room.
A few seconds later he reappeared with a chocolate Labrador dog on the end of a lead. Mr Gibson pointed at bird, and the dog leapt on the table and began sniffing the goose from top to bottom. Within minutes, the dog gave Mr Gibson a sad look and shook his head, side to side. The dog climbed down from the table and plodded away into the back room in a state of near depression.

Mr Gibson left the room once more, this time returning with a ginger tomcat in his arms, which he laid on the kitchen table. Much like the dog, the cat sniffed and prodded the flaccid bird extensively before rising its tail in derision and walking away with a superior look on its feline face.

Once the cat was gone, Mr Gibson turned to Mrs Delaney and said, “It’s beyond doubt, your bird is no more, I’m sorry.”
“Poor Garry, I guess he’s gone to a better place,” said the old lady sadly, laying a hand on the birds bent neck. At last, she turned to Mr Gibson and said,” How much do I owe you, Doctor?”
“Again, I’m a vet, not a doctor. Let’s call it a hundred euro,” said Mr Gibson, crossing his arms in a superior manor.
“A hundred euro, why is it so much?” demanded the aghast woman.
“It would’ve only been twenty, if you’d believed me in the first place, but you did insist on Lab work and a CAT scan. They don’t come cheap you know.”

Mom said about half the congregation laughed and the priest looked slightly embarrassed, before adding. “I can see some of you didn’t get it, I explain it to you afterwards.  In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.”

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